a volunteer hospice organization established 1977
a volunteer hospice organization established 1977
Our Center's Namesake
Dorothy D. Rupe
Our Mission
Hospice of San Luis Obispo County, committed to the dignity of the human experience, provides volunteer support, education, and counseling to those living with life threatening or terminal illness, their families, and the bereaved.
Locations
Hospice San Luis Obispo
1304 Pacific Street
San Luis Obispo, CA 93401
Phone: 805.544.2266
Street Map
Hospice Paso Robles
1345 Oak Street
Paso Robles, CA 93446
Phone: 805.434.1164
Street Map
Hours
San Luis Obispo
Monday - Friday
8:30 AM - 4:30 PM
Paso Robles
by Appointment
Hospice Links:
Community Links:
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The Impact of Grief on Marriage
As with all things associated with the grief process, there are no absolute rules. You may or may not find the following true in your situation. In fact, the roles can be reversed from what is said below. It is true, however, for a great many.
There can be great differences in the way men and women grieve. Some men can have a more difficult time expressing their emotions than their wives. In the past and even today, we are subjected early in life to the social rule that tells us what men are "supposed" to be: as children they are told, even when they hurt themselves, "big boys don't cry." To be strong, for a man, can mean to be in control emotionally.
Men are often in the role of provider. Most men see themselves as the major breadwinner. Therefore, a father may feel that he must get back to work sooner than a mother might be expected to. He may try to escape dealing with his emotions and the memories by losing himself in his work. He may dread going home in the afternoon because he again has to face the reminders that his child is dead. He may refuse to talk about the child, feeling if he doesn't talk about his grief, it will go away. It doesn't.
Men also have the role of protector. When his child dies, a man may see himself as having failed as protector of his child as well as being unable to protect his family from his own grief.
In the role as problem solver, men are the ones who can fix things and if unable, men find someone who can. A child’s death is a problem he can't fix or solve. Men typically badger themselves with the "what can I do's" as well as the "what should I have done's."
Men generally see themselves as self-sufficient, providing their children with the "stand on your own feet" philosophy. In his grief, men often try to continue to be self-sufficient. This is often difficult because they no longer feels strong. Men are trapped, so to speak, by the role society has imposed upon them. This accounts for many of the ways men manifest their grief.
Women are usually freer to grieve more openly. As a rule they are more active grievers. It is okay if they cry. The mother is the heart of the home. She sees to it that the household runs smoothly. She also feels a responsibility to protect the children. When a child dies, she too may be left with a tremendous amount of guilt that she was not able to save her child from harm. She too feels she has failed. She doesn't know how to deal with her own grief, yet she is usually left with the responsibility of the surviving children.
Due to her grief, her energy level drops so much that she may be unable to carry on the routine things such as housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking. With many of her tasks being family-oriented, she may find doing them makes her more aware that the child is no longer there. She does not launder his/her clothes; she has to deal with his/her room not needing cleaning; she sees his/her favorite food in the store and knows she will never buy or cook that again for her child. Just because she can't go about doing things in the same way as before doesn't mean that this is a permanent state. Given time and patience she can recover and resume her responsibilities.
How can we best help ourselves?
Fathers can cut down on outside activities. He can take time for himself and his family to recover. If he needs to be alone, he should take that time and let his family know that he needs to be alone.
Hard physical exercise is a good way to release the pressure-- playing tennis, chopping wood, etc. Learning to let go and release the pressure by crying is good. When men feel the need, going to the place that is most comfortable and LETTING GO can help immensely to relieve tensions.
Mothers may find it easier to talk. A mother may not understand her husband's inability to talk about it. All the nurturing she has done for others in the past, she now needs to do for herself. She has the right to grieve in her own way and at her own pace. Exercise is good for her too. It relieves the tension. She needs to find ways to change her daily routine. Different activities and schedules can help her get through the day.
How can we best help each other?
When we are grieving the loss of a child, we know that we are now different people. We may not understand ourselves and each other because we have changed. We have to get to know each other all over again, slowly. Some things may remain the same, but a great deal may be totally different.
Wives will probably be disappointed if they expect their husband to be interested in doing the things they have formerly done. A man may have trouble making even the simplest decisions. He may feel that he has failed in his role as protector and so doesn't trust himself anymore. He, on the other hand, may be disappointed if he expects his wife to go on with her responsibilities as before.
Grief recovery evolves in different areas at different times. A wife may be able to go out socially before her husband is ready. He may need to resume their sex life before she is ready. Her negative response may have nothing to do with loving or not loving. Let your spouse know that even though you may be angry, depressed, etc., you still love him or her. Try to be open with your emotions.
If we can just remember that we are very fragile people, after a child has died, we can better treat each other with patience and understanding. A lot of each is necessary for us to survive and recover from this great a loss. Spend some time together. Know that it is possible for the two of you to enjoy some part of life together again. You may need to do different things and go to different places than before. To be able to laugh and enjoy life doesn’t mean that you have forgotten your child or that you aren’t respecting his or her memory. It is okay. You deserve whatever happiness you can find. You have suffered enough. Be gentle with each other.
If you need help coping with a loss, caring for a seriously ill loved one, or dealing with your own mortality, please call us at 805.544.2266 or 805.434.1164. We're here to help.